Babies have a capacity to shoot poo from their bottom at great speed and distance, namely right across the bathroom floor.
Baby boys feel no shame in peeing during a nappy change and find it endlessly amusing if they score a direct hit on Mummy/Daddy/Granny/the midwife/the GP’s face.
They also find it funny if they hit themselves in the face.
They then get enraged when they find Mummy/Daddy/Granny etc. tugging at their clothing, which has to come off as it’s now soaking and smelly.
Babies aren’t very bright sometimes.
Parents aren’t very bright sometimes, either: it took Mummy and Daddy a while to realise that you should never change a nappy in a room with carpet.
If Mummy forgets to wash behind baby’s ears, baby starts to smell of cheese.
If Mummy isn’t ‘allowed’ to shower, put the washing on, get dressed, iron clothes or brush her teeth, then Mummy starts to smell of cheese, too.
This is not Mummy’s fault, even though she’s perversely pleased to be more Slummy Mummy than Yummy Mummy.
Mummy isn’t very bright sometimes.
Babies can projectile puke, especially if you wind them on or near to a new sofa, across the shoulder of your new jumper or close to a (new) laptop.
Babies fed on breastmilk produce sick that doesn’t smell.
Well, that doesn’t smell too bad.
Which means that the new sofa, jumper and laptop only smell slightly of cheese. A bit like Baby. And Mummy.